Surprise baby. We weren't planning any more. I didn't feel done, my husband did. My prayer became, "Lord do that which brings you the most glory. I surrender my body as a vessel to use, however you will." And I prayed this regularly. On the floor of my room before bed.
Heart, desire, body, soul---God's. My life God's. It was during this year that the Lord also called me to give up homeschooling. To give up another child. To surrender my life, my treasures, my deepest desires, to Him. After all, wasn't the doing of these things for Him? So wouldn't the not doing of these things be for Him as well if he so called me to give them up?
And then, a cycle not returning, day, and then another day, and a thought, and a hope and a wonder. Did natural family planning turn into God's plan for a new life?
Mothers day 2013----Steve reads the test. Positive. This positive that for some is negative.
For me it was positive...it was joy. It was surrender. It was potential.
It was a baby. It was new life. It was the image of God.
It was sickness. It was physical pain. It was dreams and joy.
In the midst of the hardest time of my life with another child.
The Bible says children are a blessing. Sometimes the blessing doesn't feel like blessing.
But in the end we trust. and hope. and believe. and wait.
and pray our hearts out.
that's what mothers and fathers do.
Jacob was carried underneath a heart filled with sorrow. Tears upon tears, that knew no end.
That turned into tears for carrying a child, baptized in tears. Prayers---Lord please protect this little heart from the emotions that swirl in me.
When he was born....first thought. He is real. Here's the one that has lived with me, all this time. all these tears.
Jacob. His name means "the one who grasps".
Did Biblical Jacob not grasp the heal of Esau---that he would come and be the child of the promise?
And Walsman Jacob---grasped---life in the midst of very painful, very difficult circumstances in this family.
Child of the covenant, child of the Promise.
“But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
you descendants of Abraham my friend,
I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
His first month, I tucked him in with me every night. He slept right under my arm, snuggled next to my heart. Precious baby boy. He has been an unexpected blessing. A gift.
We are so thankful for him.
Children are a blessing. It's just that we often define blessings differently than God does.
I've learned blessing is often trial. Blessing is often carrying our cross.
And in this case, the blessing is