Honestly....

So, we had our sixth child.  I post a lot about how much I love it.  I do.  And it's hard.  It is.  

Who am I kidding?  Having six kids isn't easy!  I always wanted a big family.  I sort of had a big family growing up, due to divorce, and that whole "blended" thing.  When my sister and I went to visit our father and step-mother, they had four children of their own.  That made six of us.  I remember feeling proud of that.  The whole row at church we filled up, the pack of us at the grocery store, the attention we drew when we were all together.  My little girl heart, that loved playing with dolls more than anything else, and loved children, thought to herself at those times, "I want lots and lots of children when I grow up."  

And here I am. And it's real.  It's REAL.  

It's not quite what I expected.  It's harder.  And it's better.  And it's scarier.  And it's vulnerable.  And I'm afraid.  I'm afraid of failing.  I'm afraid of not keeping everyone safe.  I love them.  And I'm annoyed by them.  I enjoy them and I want time away from them.  And I'm fulfilled and I'm emptied.  At the end of the day it's not about me.  Or what I want.  It's about a life on the alter.  It's about God.  I wanted to say it's about serving him.  And it is.  And it isn't.  God doesn't need me.  

It's about his glory.

I'm trying to remind myself of that lately.  It's real simple but not real easy.  

 So I pray when I remember, "Lord, this is your day. What do you want me to do?"  And I'm more aware of him guiding my decisions.  I'm more aware of his presence.  After all, it's "in him that I live and move and have my being."  

I wish I got up every morning and immediately crouched down by my bed and started with that prayer of surrender and dependence.  This is a job I really can't do.  I really can't.  It's too big.  The stakes are too high.  There's no second chances and I am shaping six lives.  Six men.  Six future husbands.  Six future fathers.  And I don't want to fail.  But if they can just know and love Jesus.  That's all.  

That's everything.

And I can't make them love Jesus.  That's the crouching low, that's the bending of the knee, that's the opening of the hands, that's the bowing down and the looking up.  

"Oh Lord their yours"