I went yesterday to see the midwife and have an ultrasound. The tech who was doing the ultrasound said immediately, "The area of bleeding looks much better!" It was half the size it had been before and she said it has the typical appearance of a hemorrhage that is resolving itself.
I had surrendered this baby to God, although this was obviously not for God, but for me, and I was prepared for whatever news would come. Although God had filled me with hope for healing! So I wasn't surprised and I couldn't stop smiling!
The precautions I took when I found out about this hemorrhage were the following: I quit nursing Benjamin, I only picked him up when I absolutely had to, I stopped going places and stayed home, I quit exercising and I laid on the couch every possible moment.
I'm naturally a busy body so this time of resting was at first extremely difficult. That is until... I had an encounter with the Living God and he breathed his life in me! Here's what happened:
Last Thursday evening Steve took the boys out as he always does so I can have some quiet time around the house. I always take advantage of that time to get things "done" around the house. There is always something to be cleaned or organized. Well, since I was just supposed to rest I couldn't do anything! I was inspired to go upstairs and have some quiet time with the Lord. These times have been few and far between since I would say Andrew was born almost 5 years ago. I've grown so busy and so preoccupied and not made time with God a priority. Of course I'm "with" him all the time but I mean time praying and studying and meditating on his Word, and quite practically speaking, time pouring my heart and my soul out to him, all my fears, all my worries, all my hopes and dreams. This is what happens when we get intimate with God and honestly I'm not sure how I've survived 5 years without it!
So I decided to grab one of my old Bible Studies that I hadn't finished from the shelf. I picked up The Patriarchs by Beth Moore. I had gotten about half-way through this one but stopped because Andrew was born. So I flipped to the middle and saw that the next lesson to do was on Isaac, Abraham's son. I thought to myself, "hmmm....this probably won't minister to me where I'm at right now". So I went to the index and looked at the titles of the other lessons. None of them really stood out to me so I resigned myself to just go and pick up where I left off 5 years ago.
So I read the introductory paragraph, nothing jumps out at me, and then turn the page. It says, "Read Romans 15:13 and right down what it says about God."
So I turn to Romans 15:13 and my jaw drops, tears fill my eyes and a peace and hope fill my heart after days of anxiety and depression...
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
I really hadn't been hoping for healing, I was more resigning myself to another loss, maybe a harder loss than I had yet experienced. I was more trying to grit my teeth and get ready. God touched my heart so tenderly and gave me permission to hope. In fact he filled me with hope! I didn't even have to try and manufacture it!
This was about the half-way point in my period of resting and wondering. The first half was characterized by lots of tears, fears and a down-cast spirit. When Steve came home Thursday evening he found me standing at the kitchen sink and he said, "Man, your in a good mood!" I was just smiling. I think he could see the change that God had wrought in my spirit. So the second half was characterized truly by peace and hope and joy and surrender.
I realize that the children that God blesses us with are ultimately not ours, but His. I must surrender each one to him, recognizing that his plans and his will are best. I read the book Stepping Heavenward during my time of resting. It is the journal of a woman from the 1800's. They had to deal with so much more sickness and death than we do. An older lady counseled the young woman that if "we knew all the facts we would always choose God's will over our own". This really puts things in perspective and reminded me to trust in the goodness of God and his plans. When I remember His wisdom and His goodness, then I can quit worrying, and be at rest in my soul.
I'm so thankful for the time that God put me on the couch. He brought me back to my first love, Him. He helped me to see that there is nothing more soul-satisfying than time spent like Mary, at His feet.