Walking through the grocery store and thinking about how special I feel when I'm pregnant... no matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it is, knowing that I will always cherish the days I was able to conceive and bare children...
During my pregnancy every time I would lay down to go to sleep I would spend that time before I fell asleep dreaming about what our new baby would be like and planning how to prepare and be ready for him... the anticipation of his arrival was forefront on my mind, always! The excitement never left...
March 3, getting out of the shower at the hospital and realizing the time had come to deliver our son... and crying, and crying and crying... wanting to feel joy, but instead being overwhelmed with sorrow.
Feeling so alone and then the nurses name badge which was turned around backwards catching my eye with the words Jesus and hope... asking her if she had a bible verse tucked in there... her giving it to me... me reading it over and over and over again...
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace give us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
Thinking right now about how God classifies bringing up children as a good deed...
1 Timothy 5:9-10 No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds.
Seeing Samuel for the first time and saying "he's so small!"... and hearing him cry and being so glad...
Being so sick after the delivery for the first time ever... and it taking me almost an entire day to recover and be well enough to go down to see Samuel in the NICU.
The first night in the hospital, feeling so sad, not knowing what to do with myself, being so tired, but wanting so desperately to be with my baby... Going down to see him at 9:30 at night, wanting to be close to him so bad, wrapping my left arm around him and laying my head on my right hand with my elbow propped up on his isolette, almost nodding off to sleep many times, thinking about the disapproval of the nurses should I fall asleep and my head drop into Samuel's little body... finally forcing myself to go upstairs to spend my first night without him in a long time.
Trying so hard to think of a name for Samuel... praying... and finally four days after his birth, holding him and feeling for the first time a peace about the name Samuel... Samuel Luke... Getting home that night and walking downstairs to Steve's office and telling him I thought I had a name if he approved... Him saying right away, "he was fine with that" and me saying, "I don't want you to be just fine with it" and him saying, "no, I really like it" and that being that!
A couple days before Samuel came home being told he was on the "fast track" to discharge... and welling up with joy and excitement and praise to God!
Spending the night with Samuel in the NICU... realizing that this was part of me growing up... being away from home, away from my family, being with strangers and beeps and tubes and nurses who were not always nice... but knowing I was with God and he was orchestrating everything... and that with Him I could do anything he calls me to do...
That final day in the hospital signing a paper for discharge saying I was Samuel's mother... tears springing up as I felt both the joy of it and the huge responsibility... there would be no more nurses overseeing his well-being, no more monitors assuring me of his stability... we would be on our own!
Walking out with Steve, Samuel and the nurse who had to bring Samuel out in his carseat and feeling so much pride when she saw all my beautiful boys in our van... feeling so much love for my family... being so glad to put Samuel in that van and to be with them all once again!
I have in my mind to post sometime soon about the joys of family life. It seems with each child we've been given, the joy just runs deeper. I'm so thankful for each precious life we've been given to steward. I look forward to every day we get to live life with Isaac, Micah, Andrew, Benjamin and Samuel.
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