In the new days of my walk with Him, when it was just Him and I (and a little guy), trust seemed to just flow. The future was unsure, but I knew the One who knew it all. And He didn't just know it all, He planned it all, and He was good. He wasn't just good, I knew Him to be merciful and compassionate. A God I could give my whole life to.
Years have passed and He has provided, and He has continued to be good, and he continues to be God. Yes, from everlasting to everlasting, He is God.
And being God, supreme Creator of the Universe, the One who plans all things from the very eve of time itself, He has reigned supreme in my life. In his all surpassing, unstoppable Godness, He has reigned. Not in my relinquishment. For I am not one to relinquish easily. Especially as the years have passed on from the days of our first love, and the things of this world have encroached upon that youthful relationship, the relationship between the one who was saved, and the One who Saved. Yet he holds on to me.
"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
Thankfully He isn't One to give up, nor has He allowed our relationship to be dependent on me. For he saw in that portal before time began, that it would be good to save me, and I would need to be saved from first to last. And so He is. Saving me from first to last that is.
"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."
Can I tell you how I cried when this babe was to be born so many days before his time was due?
How I had my plans to protect him from the briers and thorns of this life? How
this event shattered my self-built walls of protection around myself and the little
ones entrusted to me? Again.
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
So precious to me are the little ones that the Lord has graciously given to one so undeserving. Yet pregnancy after pregnancy, has shown me, they are His. And so am I.
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live."
Miscarriage, of the fourth kind, has touched my life once again. Baby. Miscarriage. Baby. Baby. Miscarriage of a baby boy. Miscarriage. Baby. Baby. Miscarriage.
"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11
Will there be another baby? Will there be another miscarriage? How many of each? Maybe none of the first and more of the second? How can I live in the unknown?
Right now, I hear him say.... I hear him beckoning me to look to him alone for my life's ultimate joy and purpose. Everything else, everything else we all set our hope on, all the things we put in God's place, they will all ultimately miscarry. They will not give birth to the joy, the peace, the settled yes, and the souls true rest, part of life.
And so in all his goodness, he allows my plans to miscarry, whether it is an early delivery, a baby conceived for heaven alone, an answer of no, a long season of illness, a lack of financial resources, whatever trial it may be....for me,and maybe you, to find in Him, that which our souls truly long for.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."