Now it seems that when I have time alone, I don't talk, I don't listen to anything, I just like quiet. I don't listen to sermons nor praise music. Well, I do but not very often. I don't read Christian books very often and when I do I only get through the first one or two chapters before forgetting about it. I don't go to Bible studies. I'm too tired at night. I don't read my Bible very much and I honestly don't really want to. I want to but I don't want to if that makes sense. I guess I want to want to. Honestly, when I have a few moments of quiet to myself, I want to sew or read a book about gardening, or clean the house, or organize, or go through pictures, or scrapbook, or post on my blog. Reading my Bible and spending time alone with the Lord are not high on my priority list.
I am having my quiet times more regularly now, as I scheduled that time in that me and the kids all have a quiet time after breakfast. But my quiet times aren't the same as they used to be. The Bible doesn't come alive to me like it used to. It's like I can't get really into it like I used to. My attention is so sparse, spread so thin. I still pray but mostly in my head all throughout the day at times of need. It's more about me and the tyranny of the urgent then about communing with the Living God. How I want God to change me!
Revelation 2:4-6 says, "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.
I don't really know what it means that God will remove my "lampstand from its place." And right now that isn't what gets me in this passage. It is the statement, "You have foresaken your first love."
I do repent. And I pray that God would help me more fully repent.