For instance, I dreamed a whole lot about marriage before I got married. I hate to say that I was disappointed, but in reality, I was. Steve wasn't who I had dreamed him to be and marriage wasn't what I had dreamed it to be. He is better in ways I didn't know and my disappoints were in the fact that he wasn't perfect. Funny, I should have known that no one is, including me! He has had his own disappointments I know.
I've always dreamed of having a big family. Well, dreaming and having are too totally different things. While four children isn't many children compared to some families, it is a lot of work. I realize that in my sinful flesh I have wanted the big family, but not wanted all the work. I guess I didn't realize how much work it would be. There is certainly no room in my life for relaxing. It is constant work.
I've dreamed a lot about adoption. Thankfully, my sister has gone before me, and is preparing me for the reality of what bringing home the children will really be like. I'm also reading some good books to prepare me. But still, I'm sure it is going to be totally different than anything I've dreamed or that I expect.
I'm thinking about getting our family more scheduled. Maybe even a schedule for each person in the house. This comes from the ideas presented in the book, "Managers of Their Homes" by Teri Maxwell. This idea really overwhelms me but I think it may be better than the chaos that I experience so often. I feel like I have all these things to do, constantly looming over my head. If I already had a time scheduled to do them, I could not think about them.
The only problem is that Benjamin is not on a schedule. It isn't realistic for me to even try to put him on a schedule because we are on the go so often and we cannot base our lives on his schedule. He sleeps on the go, eats on the go and basically goes with the flow!
I also have kind of stopped putting him down and letting him fuss for a few minutes to go to sleep. I was watching some DVD's by Nancy Thomas about attachment disorder and the first CD is about attachment. She said it is very important to hold your baby a lot, nurse on demand, etc.etc.
So I thought this through. When I wrote in one of my last posts that when I lay Benjamin down and he fusses it is because he wants to go to sleep, or needs to go to sleep. Well that is true. He is tired. But the other day when I layed him down when he was fussing I decided that I wouldn't walk out of the room. If I was going to let him fuss, until he goes to sleep, I had to be able to stay there and watch him and listen to him fuss. So, in watching him, I was able to see that he was fussing because he wanted to nurse. He kept rubbing his face into the bed back and forth and bringing his hand to his mouth. So of course, I picked him up and nursed him and he fell right to sleep!
What do I want this child to become attached to? Well, me of course! And being his primary source of comfort at this point in his life, being the one that calms him, soothes him, nurses him, sings to him, rocks him, all of those things are bonding his little heart to me. I believe one day this will help him know the love and care of his Heavenly Father and bond to Him. Benjamin is learning to trust.
It is a sacrifice to not have him scheduled and to not train him to be more "self-sufficient" but in my heart, I feel it is the right thing to do. So I need to remind myself of that when I am getting up at 2,3 and 4 am because he still isn't sleeping through the night!