Saturday, October 10, 2009

Me....

These days I am resembling in nature that of a hermit. Or maybe a turtle, tucked in her shell. Or maybe a squirrel hibernating.... Hmmm..... what else could I relate to?

I hate it! I feel very lonely but yet I am not a good friend. I don't call my friends, I don't go to homeschool activities, etc.etc. When I go to classical conversations on Thursdays I will just sit in one of the kids class and think, "it is so nice to be with other grown-ups", when the only other grown-up in the class is the teacher.

I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. I'm not an introvert. I am kind of in between. I just wonder why I can't have friendships/relationships like other people do.

I think what happens when I get overwhelmed is I just stay at home to maintain everything and relationships take a back seat.

The hypoallergenic diet I'm on is really starting to drive me crazy (and is part of why I'm in hibernation)! On a positive note, I was hoping it would at least get me off of eating so many grains that are quick, easy and a comfort food for me, but here I am at 10:16 PM eating a big bowl of yellow grits. Oh well...

I've also been mentally very adoption focused lately. I'm praying that God would help me find a balance between completely focusing on the adoption or completely blocking it out. I feel like I'm not living my life though as I should. I just want to move past this phase. But yet I know I can't yet. I'm praying that God would please please please, either open the door all the way or CLOSE it all the way!!!!

Our social worker canceled with us last weekend and is coming tomorrow. It feels so weird to be doing the homestudy again for an adoption where the country is closed to adoptions.

God made it really clear to me the other night that he is going to work this out for good. I just want to know what is going to happen!!! Isn't this so selfish of me. All I'm thinking about is myself. Rather than the kids. I want to quit. I want out. Yet, they are the ones living with malaria, not enough food, in an orphanage without parents. And yet I want to quit praying. Wow. I'm really sorry for my attitude. Prayer request: That I would love even when it hurts!

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