There are a few things I remember from my childhood that really made a huge impact on my life and how I view myself. One of them I've been thinking about lately is a comment made by a boy in fourth grade, on my first day of school. He said, "Your a dog!". I barely remember what he looked like or the context, I just remember those words and how so very very ugly I felt after that. I just wanted to disappear. My mother had taught us how important it is to be pretty, as her mother had taught her. My mom didn't really say those words but she spent a lot of time and money on her appearence, so it was caught rather than taught so to speak.
My family members also would sing songs like, "1-800-BIG-NOSE" for me, and joked that I had a big nose. To this day, when I look in the mirror, I don't see a truly pretty woman, and I always focus on my "big" nose. Sometimes I think I look pretty, but it was just "luck" for that day. Not because I'm really pretty.
I was looking in the mirror the other morning putting on my make-up and it just dawned on me that those two things caused me to feel like an ugly girl. I'd spend the rest of my school days feeling that I didn't measure up.
I turned 30 July 17th. I think I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable in my skin but certainly not totally. I guess I'm starting to have a certain self-acceptance and I realize that it doesn't really matter what I look like. It matters how I love people. People don't care if I'm "pretty". They do care if I love them and treat them like their important. Even my husband, he doesn't care as much that I look pretty, but he does care how I talk to him and if I respect him. So I guess the whole looks thing is a total self-focus that shouldn't be.
(I'm finding it hard for me to post...as I'm so tired. When will I not be so tired?)