It hit me yesterday and I couldn't stop crying for over an hour, and it hit right before I had to go to get my blood drawn at the doctor-kind of embarrassing. I guess when your pregnant and the tears start a-flowing, there's not much to be done about it but let'em roll!
I think I had just been thinking this whole time that God was going to do something and it didn't seem like I was asking for a miracle. Although now looking back I realize I was asking and expecting for a miracle. Why do I do that? I almost feel foolish. When I found out we had lost a baby when I was 16 weeks pregnant back in January of 07 I immediately prayed that God would resurrect that child. Should I be more realistic and not ask for so much? For those of you that don't know, God did not bring back that baby. He is with the Lord in Heaven.
At any rate, I felt better after I readjusted to the fact that they were not going to come home with Steve. I just had to cry it out that they weren't and then I was okay. I know that God has a better plan and that he is taking care of them perfectly.
Now I'm stuck in, do I even think of them coming home at all? I just kind of want to pray for them but not think about them ever coming home. The reality is that the President may never change her mind, she may never honor our Liberian court decree and God may have planned all this time for them to never come home. So I don't want to live my life thinking and planning that they will. I just can't. It is too painful. I need to move on in my heart and mind.
But is that wrong? Am I giving up? Steve says he thinks they will be home before this baby is born. Our agency director thinks adoptions will get moving again by end of March. The President and Vice President have stated that this is a temporary halt. So do I prepare for the worst or do I believe and plan for the best?
Okay, I'm feeling very emotional about it. I'll pray about it tonight and see what God says. That reminds me about my quiet time last night with the Lord. I'm reading the book of James and where I was at last night says this,
(James chapter 5)
10Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. 11As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
So it seems that God gives me little nuggets of hope but yet I haven't seen anything to fulfill that hope. I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.
Tomorrow we are going to Callaway Gardens. This will be trip number 2 since Steve left. We have really had a lot of fun. I realize how much we should be doing this stuff all the time. It is difficult being pregnant but hey, being home with the boys is difficult! It does us all good to get out of the house! We are going to go to a parrot class, an insect class and a butterfly class. I'm so excited! I know the boys are going to have a blast!
Thursday we pick Steve up about 3 oclock. I can't wait to see him!
He had a talk with the kids with one of the orphanage workers about him leaving tomorrow. Gidstina and Serena seem to understand and he even told me they were happy because they know he is coming back to get them. They seem to have understood that he was only there for a visit and that he will have to come back to get them to bring them home. This particular orphanage worker that helped Steve communicate with them really loves our kids. She spends a lot of time with them, looks out for them and gives them love and affection. I'm so glad they have her!