Thursday, February 26, 2009

Roller Coaster Emotions

Okay, so all of you who read my blog get to experience a little of what it is like to be me. Hold on tight and get ready to scream!!! :) :) :)

Okay, no really, your not on a roller coaster but it sure feels like I am sometimes.

Steve came home today. It was really good to see him! All the boys were happy to see him! He has such a balanced and calm perspective on things. If I had been him I would have probably freaked out at the orphanage when I realized the kids weren't angels and then when I had to leave them I still would have boo-hoo'd and balled my eyes out during the goodbye and for the majority of the plane ride home.

Steve on the other hand took everything in stride! Let me give you a little background before I share with you about his trip.

I have wanted to adopt since I was a teenager, maybe even thought about it when I was a kid! I can't remember. Point is I've wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. My favorite show used to be "adoption stories" on TLC. I've read books about orphans, watched movies about the plight of poverty-stricken, war-stricken Africa, and I've prayed about adopting continuously since Steve and I married in June of 01. It wasn't until I finally let go of this dream/obsession/passion that Steve told me it was time to pursue it. I had gone to a women's conference in April of 2007 and there was a lady speaking on Liberian adoption. I decided I wasn't going to go to it and I went on a walk in the woods. (from which I got poison ivey on my legs) In the woods I sat down (this is probably when I got poison ivey) and had a quiet time. I had my bible there and I prayed. And this is some of what I prayed, "Lord, I'm not going to pray about adoption anymore. I'm done. I don't see you calling us to adopt anytime soon so I'm done. If you'd like us to adopt then you'll have to throw the ball back in my court because I'm officially tossing it to you." And that was that. I officially let go of adopting.

Well, lo and behold just a few months later, Steve turns to me after church one Sunday and says seemingly out of the blue, "It is time to pursue adoption." I could have fallen out of my seat!!!

So that is what started us down this road. You can imagine that as I spent so many years dreaming about adopting I built up a false impression of adoption and what these orphans would be like. Kind of like when I had a crush on Steve for about 2 years before we married. I didn't really know him, so I built him up in my head to be perfect, and I had been praying about/dreaming about marriage for three years, and all of that lead to a MAJOR crash and burn when we married after a 3 month long courtship.

I think God is sparing me that major crash and burn with the adoption by sending Steve ahead of time to meet our kids and come back to give me a strong dose of reality. Thank you LORD!!!!

There is nothing "wrong" with our kids. They are normal kids. That is thing, NORMAL kids. And what are "normal" kids like? Well, they are self-centered, selfish, overly dramatic, want their own way, demand their own way, pout when they don't get their own way, they are loud, rude and otherwise difficult! And those are to name only a few. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing kids nor am I pointing fingers. I too am self-centered, selfish, overly dramatic, want my own way, demand my own way, pout, and can be loud, rude and difficult!

It's just that I kind of thought that these kids would somehow be really sweet and well behaved. How did I get that impression? I don't know honestly. I just sort of thought that adoption was going to be this idyllic heavenly event with the sounds of angels singing in the background while I nurtured, held and loved on needy children.

Okay, so I get it. Yes, I will be holding and loving on children. But as Steve said, we are not their saviors. Jesus is their Savior. We aren't rescuing them. We are walking forward in obedience to what God has called us to do. These children have been held by their Father since the moment they were conceived. God doesn't need us to rescue them. He's got it covered!

I kind of picture it like this now: I'm going to be holding these kids some, I'm going to be teaching them and instructing them a lot, I'm going to need a whole lot of patience, I am going to be breaking up fights and arguments a lot, I'm going to be cooking a lot of food and serving a lot snacks... I can't even begin to think of all the things I'll be doing but I know it isn't going to be easy, nor are the children going to be angelic, and instead of hearing the sounds of angels singing in the background I'm probably going to be hearing screaming, arguing, whining and crying a whole lot more.

So reality has hit and I realize how good it is that Steve had this time with the kids. So I still want them home but I realize that God will bring them home in his perfect timing. He knows what they are in for, what we are in for, and he has it all planned out.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

praying for you. we adopted from liberia as well. our little girl came home in august of 07. i sincerely hope adoptions start back up and your children are home very, very soon. as a parent of 5 (4 through adoption) reality is always different than fantasy, but when those sweet moments come they are so much better than in your dreams. adopting an older child is hard, but it is also very rewarding.